A dad texted me this week: “I caught myself getting frustrated with my son,” he wrote. “But I was able to defuse and step away pretty quickly.”
That’s a win.
I texted back, “Amazing! Now today, see if you can also notice any moments where you feel more alive with him.”
Because learning to calm yourself down is a wonderful skill. It’s just not the ultimate goal.
Learning to regulate your emotions matters. But the point isn’t to become less emotional - the point is to become capable of feeling more.
None of us wants to be ruled by every impulse. But neither do we want to become people who only know how to dampen the very signals that make us fully alive.
I often forget that this is the whole purpose of learning to regulate. Learning to calm myself, ground, manage my nervous system - those are beautiful tools. But I can become so good at regulating myself that I accidentally begin regulating my life. My inner life becomes something to manage instead of my deepest source of wisdom and energy.
What we’re learning is to become aware of the signals our body/heart/mind are constantly sending us. We’re learning to connect with them. To listen. To discover that our emotions are not enemies to conquer but invitations into a deeper relationship with ourselves and our lives.
My son is one of my greatest (read: most frustrating) teachers here.
When my daughter is melting down, I’m surprisingly steady. I can redirect her, hold boundaries, give consequences, and stay connected. For whatever reason, I have space inside myself when she is hitting Ringwraith-level decibels.
Then my son does something... and I can go from believing in gentle parenting to wanting to resurrect spanking in about three seconds.
Right now, I still need regulation. I need to step away. I need to “defuse,” as that dad’s text said.
But my hope isn’t to spend the next twenty years getting really good at walking away. My hope is to someday meet those feelings with enough presence that I don’t have to escape them in the first place. I want to relate to them the same way I can already relate to my daughter’s meltdowns - with clarity, compassion, sturdiness.
Not just regulated, but integrated.
I’m talking to another father right now who told me he feels disconnected from his kids. He struggles to simply be with them. To play. To delight in them.
He’s also a business leader. There too, he says he often feels overwhelmed by everyone’s needs. Every conversation feels like another problem to solve. Every interaction carries the pressure to perform. He can’t simply be with his team any more than he can simply be with his children.
The pattern isn’t in parenting. It isn’t in his company leadership either.
The pattern, he’s learning, is in his disconnection with his own inner life.
Now he’s begun doing the hard work of reconnecting with the emotions he has spent decades disconnecting from.
In my coaching, I’m often working with high-achievers - business owners, pastors, leaders. And they are more than willing to dive into the “hard” emotions when they see this pattern in their life. They want to face the grief, the shame, the fear, the trauma. That’s good work.
But I increasingly think it’s just as powerful (and maybe a better place to start) to reconnect with our expansive feelings too.
And for many of us, feelings like joy or play feel just as dangerous to our system as the “hard” feelings. For example: joy asks you to stop managing your life and just open up and receive it. To be in joy is to stop managing the moment and trust it enough to be present.
Which sounds beautiful. But goddamn if my system doesn’t freak out when I try to do that. I’d rather feel safe and protected than open up to my life - that feels vulnerable. Who’s gonna be in control!?
That’s the invitation. Not simply to become better at regulating difficult emotions, but to become more in touch with all of life.
This week, notice any feelings of expansion. Notice any little signal delight, playfulness, tenderness, gratitude. Instead of disconnecting or defusing, try to allow them. Connect with them. Enjoy becoming more open and alive to the signals from your inner life.
You may also notice another part of you wanting to disconnect or shut those sensations down. Notice that part too. Thank it. It learned that contraction was the safest way to live. You don’t have to fight it. Just remind it that this moment is safe enough to receive.
That is self-leadership.
That is what our clients and teams desires from us. A leader who is tuned into all the signals from his inner world is one that can be tuned into all the signals of the organization.
Our spouse wants a partner who can be with their own emotions, because that is a partner who can be with their emotions too.
Our kids do not long for perfectly calm, defused parents. They want a parent who can stay present to his own inner life. Because that’s a parent who can be present with them too.
BENEDICTION: May we become people who no longer fear the signals within us. May we learn to stay present long enough to discover that what once felt overwhelming may become wisdom, clarity, courage, and love. And may we become so fully alive to our own inner world that everyone entrusted to our care feels just a little more alive in our presence.
