“Sometimes I feel like my wife and kids are in the way of where I want to go.” Most people wouldn’t say that out loud. I loved his honesty. I nod, because I’ve felt that 6 times already this week - and it’s only Tuesday.
He continues. “The things I really want to do - with my business, my writing, my work - I feel like I’d have to be all in. Completely committed. But that’s always been my pattern. I get extreme. I know I need to be more balanced.”
I stop him. “How does balance feel to you?”
He thinks for a moment. “It doesn’t feel alive. It feels like settling. Like soggy rice.”
“You’re at war with yourself because you feel like you should be something that doesn’t feel alive to you. You don’t really want balance.”
For a lot of us, balance is one of those words that sounds good until you try to live it. Like drinking kale smoothies every morning for breakfast. Great on paper - actually makes life miserable.
Balance and alignment are not the same thing.
And confusing them creates some unnecessary suffering.
I knew this guy admired Michael Jordan the same way I did. Two boys who grew up in the 90s.
“Was Michael Jordan balanced?” I asked.
He laughed. “Not even a little.”
“Do you wish he had been?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he wouldn’t have become Michael Jordan.”
Exactly. Nobody would describe Michael Jordan as balanced. But everybody would say he was extremely aligned. His life was organized around a clear aim. His schedule, habits, attention, energy, sacrifices - they all pointed in the same direction.
Balance is trying to give everything an equal vote. Alignment is deciding what matters most and organizing your life around it.
Balance is an abstract concept. Alignment is an alive conversation with Reality.
Sometimes alignment looks “balanced.”
Sometimes it looks radical.
Sometimes it looks like saying no to things everyone else says yes to.
Sometimes it looks like saying yes to things everyone else avoids.
The question isn’t whether your life looks balanced. The question is whether it’s aligned.
As we kept talking, it became clear - he wasn’t actually suffering because he lacked balance. He was suffering because he wasn’t aligned.
He wanted to grow his business. He wanted to write. He wanted to create. He wanted to be a present husband and father.
But when we looked at his actual life, those weren’t the things driving his decisions.
Other things were: His fear of not being respected. His discomfort with uncertainty. His tendency to avoid naming what he really wanted because then he might have to risk pursuing it.
Those were the forces shaping his calendar, his thoughts, his mood.
That’s why he kept filling his days with random coffee meetings that felt productive but accomplished very little. That’s why he spent hours thinking, researching, outlining, and writing in private - but hesitated to actually publish his work.
He was aligned with avoiding rejection and uncertainty.
His behaviors and feelings made perfect sense once we saw what he was truly organized around.
Most of us are not aligned with our stated goals. We’re aligned with our fears. We’re aligned with avoiding discomfort. We’re aligned with maintaining a particular image of ourselves. Then we wonder why our lives feel fragmented.
When I look at my time, money, thoughts - I discover that I’m aligned with my fear of what other people will think of me… I’m shaped by my avoidance of ambiguity… I’m focused on endlessly planning instead of taking vulnerable action. I’m always aligned with something - but rarely is it what I actually want.
The breakthrough came when he stopped asking, “How do I create more balance?” And started asking, “What do I actually want?”
From there, the work became surprisingly practical and straight forward.
And, to his surprise, this didn’t mean sacrificing the husband/father he also wanted to be. In fact, alignment made him a better husband - because he was no longer carrying around the constant frustration of living half-committed to everything. It made him a better father - because he was more joyful, more at peace in his spirit every day.
When it was time to work, he worked. When it was time to be with his family, he was actually with them - not feeling a low grade frustration and anxiety from being out of integrity.
Clarify what you’re organizing your life around. Name the handful of things that matter most in this season.
Then look honestly at your calendar, your habits, your spending, your attention, and your energy. They are already aligned with something. The question is whether they’re aligned with what you actually want.
Because nobody wakes up hoping for a balanced life. What we really want is a life that feels alive because it’s in integrity with what we want. A life where our actions, values, desires, and commitments point in the same direction.
We don’t want balance.
We want alignment.
BENEDICTION: May we have the courage to name what we actually want. May we notice the fears, habits, and distractions that have quietly claimed our allegiance. And may we bring our time, attention, and lives into alignment with what is most true.
